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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22809934">(my heart is a) Kaleidoscope</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay'>Imogen_LeFay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Glee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Hypothetical Scenarioes, Klaine Breakups, M/M, What Could Have Been, What-If, fantasies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:07:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22809934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Have you ever thought that there’s this one decision you made, which turned out to be wrong? And wondered how your life would have gone if you had made a different choice?”</p><p>Three years after his divorce, Blaine finds himself reunited with old friends, and an old Could-Have-Been. Who can blame him for taking some time for himself to wonder just how his life could have gone if things had been just a bit different?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>(my heart is a) Kaleidoscope</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Soooo, basically I'm being self-indulgent, and Blaine has very elaborat fantasies over how things could have gone with a bit of canon divergence at different points in the show, and how Sebastian would have factored in there.<br/>In the end, a day is seized. </p><p>Not the nicest light on the Klaine ship. My apologies to Joey Batey. And every person named Brayden.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>The second Blaine steps out onto the balcony, he starts to shiver. But cold as it is, the night air comes as a relief, compared to the stuffy atmosphere inside. Or maybe the problem is him, that he feels too stifled. After all, it’s a pretty great party. Santana has definitely outdone herself.</p><p>It’s a farewell-party for Brittany, scheduled to leave for a European tour as a background dancer for Beyoncé. And if Brittany wanted to celebrate with all her old friends from high school before leaving, who was Santana to deny her wife that wish?</p><p>Their apartment – huge and lavish in a way Blaine never understood how they can even afford it – is beautifully decorated, and filled with lights, music, and most importantly New Directions alumni. With some of them, Blaine isn’t even sure how Santana got them to travel to New York. Then again, if Brittany wants something, Santana makes it happen.</p><p>Besides, not everyone present is actually a New Directions alumnus. Rachel is here with Jesse, both Sam and Mercedes showed up with their spouses they met in college, and of course, Kurt brought Brayden.</p><p>At first, Blaine was a bit worried what it would be like to see Kurt again, especially with a new boyfriend. Their divorce three years ago was surprisingly civil. There was just nothing left to fight for or about. Once more, living together had stifled all feelings of love between them. At least this time, Blaine saw it himself. At least this time, he ended it. Afterwards, he went no-contact with Kurt, and severely limited contact with all his McKinley friends, focusing on his own life and the friends he made at NYU. And things turned out not so bad. He scored a supporting role on a major tv show and drove millions of people insane with that damn earworm he isn’t immune to himself. He’s still single, sure, but that doesn’t bother him much. Usually.</p><p>“Usually” isn’t when you see your ex-husband again after barely talking to him in three years. Not at a party, not with his new boyfriend. So yes, Blaine was a bit concerned at first.</p><p>Until he met Brayden.</p><p>He probably should have known the second he heard the name.</p><p>Because wow. What a douche.</p><p>He isn’t even sure where Kurt found that guy, or what he sees in him. But it’s pretty obvious that Brayden is more about brawn than about brain. Handsome, sure. But wow, is he dull. The only thing funnier than watching Brayden try to follow a conversation is how some people – especially Tina – act like it must be so hard for Blaine to witness these two together.</p><p>Mostly, Blaine is happy he can stay far, far away from this particular train wreck.</p><p>Still, it’s a weird energy, surrounded by people so strongly associated with high school. And yes, fine, maybe being single makes this even weirder. He’s just come to this conclusion, when he looks up as Santana opens the door again, to let another guest in.</p><p>And here’s to a completely different blast from the past.</p><p>Or maybe Blaine’s hallucinating, because why is Sebastian Smythe striding into Santana’s apartment, exchanging a few words and smirks with her, before pushing a bottle into her hands and greeting Brittany?</p><p>He learns from Jesse that apparently Santana and Sebastian have struck up some sort of friendship, ever since Sebastian moved to New York after studying in Paris. Jesse knows that Sebastian is working in law enforcement – profiling, or something – and that Kurt threw a complete fit once he found out about Santana hanging out with him. Neither fact comes as a complete surprise.</p><p>And now, it’s even stranger.</p><p>Sebastian…</p><p>Everyone at this party is a symbol of the past, the things he should have left behind and outgrown. But Sebastian is different. He’s never been about the past.</p><p>Sebastian Smythe, the eternal “what if…?”</p><p>Watching him mingle – met with mixed responses – as he makes his way through the crowd, not knowing if he is even looing to talk to Blaine… it adds a completely different layer of weird to all this. And maybe that is what drives Blaine to seek refuge at one of the balconies.</p><p>Why the hell does he feel so affected by Sebastian’s presence anyway? It’s not like they ever dated. It never was a reality, only a could-have-been. If things had gone different, they could have been more. What exactly? Well, Blaine isn’t sure. But something, certainly.</p><p>There are a lot of steps in the journey of his life where he wonders what could have been if things had been different. Not like thinking about this can help.</p><p>With a sigh, he steps to the edge of the balcony and looks out into the night. It’s a bit cool, but once he’s gotten used to the temperature, it’s actually really nice. As he looks around on the balcony, he notices a box on one of the shelves. Sparklers, maybe from their last New Year’s Eve party.</p><p>(Brittany decided a few years ago that New Year’s Eve should be the anniversary of her wedding. Complete with a countdown and fireworks. Sometimes, it’s easier to just go along with her wishes. He sometimes wonders how Santana hasn’t gotten insane yet.)</p><p>Curious, he opens the box, and finds about a dozen of sparklers still there. He isn’t sure why, but as if on autopilot, he takes one out. After a moment of hesitation, he looks around until he finds a lighter on the same shelf.</p><p>When he was a kid, his mother gave him sparklers for New Year’s Eve, promising that any wish he could remember from the lighting until the sparkler died, would come true. Cooper had made a sport out of yelling nonsense at him until he lost the thought of his wish.</p><p>But here? All alone, with everyone else inside, unable to distract him?</p><p>Well, why not?</p><p>In the sparkling, blinding light, he can see a different path.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>A little bird is singing in his cage. There’s nothing to warn him that his life is about to come to an end, and something else is about to begin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But not this time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This time, Pavarotti keeps singing, his life prolonged by the miracle of what if. And Kurt sings with him, never knowing what just happened. Or didn’t happen. He returns to Dalton, where the Warblers are fighting over Regionals. He sits back and rolls his eyes, less subtle every week, and maybe he makes a less-than-impressed comment as their competition songs are chosen. Blaine feels a bit guilty, but when he talks to Kurt, he’s met with snark. Blaine isn’t sure if his friend is jealous or homesick, but he doesn’t have the time to find out. He has a lot of practice in front of him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end, the Warblers lose to the New Directions, their original songs wowing the judges. It’s disappointing, although the Warblers tell themselves that second place at Regionals is a pretty good accomplishment. Maybe next year, they say. Kurt doubts their chances, says Rachel will pull out all the stops for her senior year. But nobody wants to actually think about next year. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After their loss, Kurt is colder than before. Sometimes, he laments New York and how he wishes he had the chance to go. It shouldn’t be quite the surprise when two weeks later, he makes an announcement in the choir room, telling them that he’ll transfer back to McKinley.</em>
</p><p><em>Blaine is a bit hurt. He honestly thought he and Kurt were close enough friends to get a little heads-up. But he has to admit, their friendship has cooled down. He tries not to think of Valentine’s day, or the fight they had after he agreed to go on a date with Rachel (or how Rachel’s lips had felt under his, and despite that weird kiss in the coffee shop, he sometimes wonders). He tries not to think of how Kurt had wanted to be serenaded by him, had apparently wanted to be his boyfriend. He just… he doesn’t feel it, and if he thinks too much about it, he’ll just feel upset, like Kurt was only interested in him as a potential boyfriend. Like Kurt didn’t actually care about being his friend. It’s an uncharitable thought. Kurt has </em>not<em> “boyfriend-zoned” him. But once he leaves Dalton for McKinley, they kind of lose contact. They text less, barely call… Blaine tells himself it’s the distance, but he still remembers the beginning of their friendship, and how much they talked then. Now, he only hears snippets – some mess going down at the junior prom, the cheer coach’s sister dying… and obviously he doesn’t need to hear from Kurt to hear about Finn and Rachel making out on stage. </em></p><p>
  <em>They meet a few times during the summer holidays, but he realizes that something has disappeared between them. And it hurts. Despite being popular at Dalton, Blaine doesn’t get this close to people. Kurt is the first person in a long time for whom he’s let down his guard. But maybe he was just not interesting enough.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Summer ends, and Blaine wants to put everything into the Warblers this year. He doesn’t expect Sebastian Smythe. Within a few days, he takes Dalton by storm. Smart, suave, ridiculously hot, and positively dripping with confidence. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine doesn’t really stand a chance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian is the one who suggests changes, abolishing the council and eventually nominating both Blaine and himself as co-captains of the Warblers. Suddenly, most of his free time is spent together, selecting songs, planning rehearsals…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian kisses Blaine in his dorm room over discarded suggestions for their Sectionals setlist. Not an hour later, Blaine finds himself in Sebastian’s bed, falling apart under him, just so stopping himself from crying out as he comes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They breeze through Sectionals, and for once, Blaine thinks they can do anything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But he falls too fast, and too far. And Sebastian –  bitter and angry under his charming façade over being driven out of his Parisian home by a loathsome stepfather, back to a father who’s so busy at work he forgot how to connect to his son – is nowhere near the right place to catch him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Eventually, Sebastian gets bored with him, and finds someone else. Blaine is jealous, and furious. They snipe at each other during Warbler meetings, never manage to agree on anything, and step by step, the group is divided. Some follow Sebastian, some Blaine, as they fight for dominance over the group. It’s a miracle they manage to pull off a performance, but the division is poison to a group that relies on harmony. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Really, it’s not a surprise that they lose to New Directions and their kind of mediocre medley of Michael Jackson songs that only Santana and Artie really pull off. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>At least he doesn’t have to fight for control over the Warblers now. After all, Sebastian Smythe has better things to do than lead a losing team. And Blaine is left with a broken heart, a divided group, and all he can try is to do better next year…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>No. Not like this. Blaine shakes his head, as the sparkler burns down. Behind his closed lids, he can still see the sparks, whereas reality looks a lot darker right now.</p><p>This was the wrong way, obviously. It should have been different.</p><p>With a shaking hand, he grabs another sparkler, lights it…</p><p>…and looks.</p><p> </p><p> <em>A little bird dies, and Blaine falls in love. It’s thrilling at first, and he is happier than ever before. Even as Kurt goes back to McKinley, even as he forces down his fear to be there for Kurt at his school dance, even as some New Directions members send him some weird texts, something about a guy named Sam, and even as some of the Warblers sound a bit too annoyed with Kurt transferring back right after the loss at Regionals – even with all this, Blaine is happy.</em></p><p>
  <em>The first seeds of discourse grow as summer starts, and Kurt “casually” brings up how amazing it would be to have Blaine at McKinley. He talks about the advantages of public school, how much better everything was since the Bully Whips were established, and of course, how much he wants Blaine with him, every day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine deflects, and is quite happy with how smooth it goes. In truth, he feels conflicted. Of course, he wants to spend every waking second at Kurt’s side. And the New Directions seem close in a way the Warbler’s aren’t. But still, it’s public school. He’s seen how safe it was at prom. There is a reason he transferred to Dalton. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Besides, even if he wanted to transfer, he can’t just decide. He’s underage, and he doubts his parents would allow him to switch schools just to be closer to his boyfriend of a few months. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Also, what is he supposed to do next year, when Kurt is off to New York? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Kurt is insistent, keeps joking and asking and prodding, and somehow, Blaine finds himself at the dinner table, suggesting the transfer to his parents.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother laughs at first, thinking he made a joke. She’s startled once she realizes he’s serious, but quickly gets on board. She’s a hopeless romantic, of course she’d be.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His father on the other hand…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This time, he’s not outvoted, but brings up his doubts. Eventually, he puts his foot down. No transfer. Blaine is already at an excellent school, and there’s absolutely no point in trying to convince anyone that McKinley could equal Dalton in any respect. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kurt meets him on the first day of school at the Lima Bean, giving him a last-ditch effort pitch. He breaks down, then tells him that he actually talked to his parents, but the answer was no. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kurt doesn’t exactly take it well. Somehow, he convinced himself that this would be part of his magical senior year, reality be damned. And Blaine does kind of feel for him, especially during the next few days, when he’s discouraged at the NYADA competition, their piano project ends in a food fight, and Artie drags his feet before finally casting him as Tony in Westside Story, mostly because nobody else auditioned for the role. But when he walks into the next Warbler meeting, he knows this is the better choice for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He runs into Sebastian on the way to the Warblers’ first performance in the year. Literally. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian chuckles in amusement, as he apologizes profusely, trying to collect the sheet music he dropped. Only then, Blaine looks up, and for the second time in two minutes feels like he was hit by a train. He stares at the guy in front of him, and he’s just… gorgeous.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you going to pick that jaw back up?” he asks, and Blaine feels himself blush. He starts explaining about the Warblers, mostly to distract the other boy, who then finally introduces himself. Somehow, Blaine manages to get a promise out of him to audition for the Warblers. He’s a bit surprised that Sebastian goes through with it, but not at all that it goes over amazing. Sebastian is accepted immediately.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Things start to change.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian is… out there. He talks about Paris, and taking shots of Courvoisier in his coffee, he’s read the most bizarre books, enjoys both mindless action movies and auteur films. It doesn’t take Blaine long to learn that Sebastian is not only gay, but very free when it comes to hook-ups. There’s an invitation to a gay bar, Scandals, but Blaine declines. Not something his boyfriend would enjoy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He’s glad to have an opportunity to subtly mention his boyfriend. Sebastian seems a bit too interested in him, and while Blaine is flattered, he doesn’t want to lead him on or something. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian seems mostly amused by this. A lot of what Blaine says seems to amuse him. But strange enough, he seems to respect it. He’s still flirty, sure, but he doesn’t overtly hit on him. Blaine is relieved. He enjoys talking to Sebastian too much to cool down their friendship. While he’s popular, he doesn’t have many close friends at Dalton. There was Wes, and obviously Kurt, but Wes is off to college, and Kurt… Well, he’s busy. There’s so much going on at McKinley. Kurt is tearing himself apart with campaigning for senior class president, glee club, and the school musical. Kurt is pouring everything into improving his resume for NYADA. Of course, he doesn’t have that much time for a boyfriend who’s such a long drive away. Even when they spend time together, Blaine feels like they’re not on the same page. Of course, he loves talking to Kurt, listening to music, watching reality tv, and listening to his opinions about the latest fashion. There’s kissing, which yes, he’s very much in favor of, and sometimes they make out. That one’s new, and Blaine would love to get further into it. But Kurt isn’t there yet and stops them anytime it gets a bit more heated than French kissing. Blaine would never pressure him, of course. He wants his boyfriend to be comfortable, and if that means being patient until they’re on the same page… well, he can take care of himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except sometimes he wonders if they’ll ever get to the same page. If Kurt is even interested in getting there. It’s just sometimes not that easy, being a teenage boy with hormones and a beautiful but shy boyfriend. It’s even worse when he spends so much time in Warbler practice, with Sebastian improving their choreography, who never misses an opportunity to correct Blaine’s stance hands-on, extremely close, the scent after strenuous practice enveloping Blaine. Add a few innuendoes and Blaine leaves Warbler practice more than once with his head swimming. He can’t help but feel guilty, but sometimes, when he takes care of himself, it’s not his boyfriend that haunts his thoughts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kurt invites him to stay over a few days before the opening of Westside Story. It comes as a welcome excuse not to accompany Sebastian out to Scandals, and obviously Blaine jumps at the chance of a sleepover at his boyfriend’s place, even though he’s aware that Burt Hummel enforces his rules strictly. He’s surprised to find the house empty, Finn spending the night at Rachel’s, and Burt and Carole off for some campaign event. For a moment, he thinks this is it. This is the night. Why else would Kurt invite him over to an empty house? Then again, it’s kind of coming out of nowhere. Kurt has given no hint that he’s feeling more comfortable. They’ve seen each other shirtless less than a handful of times, and never even lost their pants. But Blaine is willing to go along with it, even if it doesn’t make sense. Half an hour later, he’s lying in Kurt’s bed, both on their sides, kissing furiously. His pants are halfway down, but the second he reaches out for the buttons on Kurt’s too tight jeans, his boyfriend freaks out. Blaine tells himself not to be disappointed. He reminds himself that this is pointless if they’re not both comfortable. He’s going to be patient and encouraging, and not pressure Kurt into something he’s not ready for. But when he drives back to Dalton that night, he at least allows himself to be hurt over being pushed away like this. Literally. His back might have a bruise tomorrow.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Westside Story is a disaster, Brittany is elected senior class president, and Kurt freaks out about his chances at NYADA. Everything rests on the New Directions now, as they barely scrape by at Sectionals. Blaine doesn’t have the heart to remind him that colleges will choose their students well before Nationals, so even a win there probably won’t make a difference anyway. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Things have been tense between them since that night, and Blaine isn’t sure how to act. He knows they need to talk, but he doesn’t know how to bring it up without Kurt feeling defensive or pressured. It all leads to so much frustration that he doesn’t even know how to deal with it anymore. Warbler practice helps, except when it doesn’t. On the one hand, every rehearsal leaves him exhausted. They haven’t finalized their setlist for Regionals yet, but as newly appointed co-captains, both he and Sebastian try to keep everyone as sharp as possible. While Blaine trains vocals and harmonies, Sebastian is drilling them in choreography. Blaine knows dancing isn’t his strongest suit, but as one of the appointed soloists he knows the audience will have their eyes on him, and he can’t drag down the team. Sebastian agrees, correcting him even more than before, and that means close and hands-on, with several one-on-one rehearsals. And that’s exactly what doesn’t help.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s one of those late-night meetings. Regionals is coming closer, they’ve just found out the Warblers got the first performance spot before the New Directions. They’re trying to finalize the setlist, although neither of them feels particularly thrilled with their choices so far. The frustration is too much, so Sebastian suggests going through a few moves he can see as part of several different song choices. Blaine agrees, and again he finds himself turning, twisting, stepping… Sebastian’s hands on his hips, on his back and shoulders, pulling, turning, always pushing for more. Blaine doesn’t know how long they’re at it, but eventually, he stumbles. Sebastian catches him before he can fall and pushes him back until he leans against the wall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Easy there, tiger,” Sebastian mutters. “I think this is enough.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine wants to wave it off, tell him it’s nothing, they can go on. But Sebastian is looking at him in a way that tells him that dancing is the last thing on his mind, and…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian is close, and warm, and Blaine is engulfed in his scent. They’re both out of breath and sweaty, and Blaine knows he shouldn’t be so light-headed over it. But damn, it’s hard.</em>
</p><p><em>Pun </em>so<em> not intended.</em></p><p><em>Sebastian kisses Blaine in his dorm room, pushing him against the wall. Blaine gasps, and immediately Sebastian deepens the kiss. Blaine’s eyes slide shut. On some level he notices his hands moving up to Sebastian’s shoulders. His heart is racing, and breathing is even harder, and none if it is nearly as important as Sebastian’s tongue, moving, exploring, and god, he has </em>never<em> felt this wanted in his life.</em></p><p>
  <em>Sebastian pushes closer, his thigh moving between his legs, and Blaine feels a flash of want racing right into his brain and-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With all the strength he can summon, he pushes Sebastian away.</em>
</p><p><em>Cold terror grips him, as he looks up, his breath gasping as he starts to realize what they’ve done. It’s all in slow motion, as he sees just a flash of hurt in Sebastian’s face – just short enough, and raw enough that he </em>knows<em> it’s real, before it’s covered by anger and scorn.</em></p><p>
  <em>“The hell?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I can’t,” Blaine gasps. “I… my boyfriend…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The flash in Sebastian’s eyes tells him he said the wrong thing. </em>
</p><p><em>“I’m sorry,” Blaine says, not sure why he’s apologizing. “Please, I’m </em>so<em> sorry, I… I can’t. You know I can’t.”</em></p><p>
  <em>Sebastian opens his mouth, and Blaine knows whatever venom will come out, he won’t be able to stand it. He turns, and he does what he’s best at. He runs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All night, his stomach ties itself into knots, a painful mess between thoughts of Sebastian, and Kurt, and how he could have let himself get carried away like this. They probably both deserve better. What is he supposed to do next? Does he tell Kurt the truth? He’ll get dumped immediately. All night, he battles with himself on whether to confess. It would be the right thing to do. But as exhaustion climbs around him, he starts to wonder… Nothing really happened. A kiss, yes, but… he hadn’t started it. And he had ended it before it could become more than a kiss. Surely, one lapse in judgment shouldn’t cost him his relationship? It was just that he didn’t have enough self-control… but still, he knew he’d have to tell the truth, as little as he wanted to do it. And how was he supposed to face Sebastian tomorrow? Maybe it could be avoided…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His roommate’s alarm wakes him from a fitful sleep, about twenty minutes later than he usually gets up. It takes him a moment to connect the dots. He must have left his phone last night. So much for avoiding Sebastian.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He runs into him before lunch, accompanied by his Lacrosse buddies. Blaine is a bit hesitant to approach, and the sharp look in Sebastian’s eyes doesn’t help. But when he asks to talk to him for a moment, he agrees after a few seconds. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine stutters through a few sentences, but eventually, Sebastian has mercy with him and angles the phone out of his pocket before giving it over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m really sorry about yesterday,” he says again. Which… he isn’t sure why he’s apologizing. Technically, Sebastian kissed him, knowing about his boyfriend. But Blaine remembers how hurtful rejection is, and he isn’t completely innocent here. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Not the end of the world,” Sebastian said, rolling his eyes. “I’m sure I’ll find someone at Scandals to console me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Right…” Blaine shakes his head, not sure how to take this. “So… we’re okay?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Something softens in Sebastian’s eyes. “Don’t be an idiot. Of course, we are. Besides, we have something else to focus on. I’ve finally had the perfect idea for Regionals. We’re doing the king.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine frowns. “Elvis?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian snorts. “You could pull it off. But no. The King of Pop, Michael Jackson.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Warblers are thrilled with the idea. In a short session, they file down the setlist. Blaine will start things off, leading them through Man In The Mirror, Sebastian will lead in Want You Back, and then they’ll finish it sharing lead over Thriller. Sebastian already has ideas for the choreography, and Blaine starts the vocal arrangements. The next week is ridiculously busy – so much that Blaine doesn’t even get to think about leaving Dalton. He knows that Kurt is busy, something about extra credit classes to pad his resume, and for once he doesn’t have time to worry about it. Besides, right now he’s a bit relieved not to see Kurt for a few days. He knows they’re going to have an uncomfortable conversation the next time they see each other, and he doesn’t mind waiting a bit longer. At least Sebastian doesn’t seem interested in making this more difficult, even bringing him coffee from the Lima Bean for their next strategy meeting and keeping a respectful distance the whole time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then Kurt comes storming into the room, furious like a vengeful spirit, spitting venom. he throws around accusations, blaming Blaine for stealing their setlist. It takes him a moment to understand what’s going on, until he finally figures out what has happened. Apparently, the New Directions wanted to do Michael, and Kurt feels betrayed that the Warblers are doing it now, especially since they’re going to perform first. Blaine isn’t sure how this is his fault – he didn’t know about Kurt’s plans, and Michael wasn’t even his idea. That’s when Kurt mentions texting him about it, and Blaine remembers the phone he left with Sebastian. His co-captain does look like the cat who’s gotten the proverbial canary – or warbler, in this case. Sebastian must have read the text and changed the Warblers’ plans accordingly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before Blaine can tell Kurt that he has nothing to with this, his boyfriend has turned around and stormed out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>To his credit, Sebastian admits to everything, even as Blaine confronts him later at Warbler practice. Blaine is furious, this has just wasted their time, and how are they supposed to write a new setlist at such short notice?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What for?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s not Sebastian who asks the question, but Nick. To Blaine’s horror, he hears murmured assent from some of the Warblers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why should we change our setlist?” Nick continues. “We put it together, we’re going to sound amazing. Why should we step back from this?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine reminds them of Warbler honor, and that they’re better than stealing from their rivals. But the Warblers won’t hear it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s not like we’re stealing their setlist,” Nick says. “They don’t even have one! Kurt told us last year, right? They make things up as they go along. They want to do Michael now, and next week their choir teacher comes up with a new lesson, and then they want to do that. They don’t even have solid plans. You can’t call dibs on an artist. I get that you don’t want any trouble with your boyfriend. But honestly, Blaine? Why should the Warblers get shafted just to keep Kurt’s feelings from getting hurt?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine looks around, trying to find anyone sympathetic. Most Warblers avoid his eyes. Sebastian, especially, won’t look at him. Nobody speaks up against Nick. But Blaine knows they’re wrong. Kurt’s accusations of betrayal ring in his ears, even worse when he thinks about the betrayal Kurt doesn’t even know about yet. His conscience is too heavy, he can’t let this happen too. He wants the Warblers to win, but not at his boyfriend’s expense. He tries. He tries to convince them, to plead with them, in the end even with an ultimatum, insists that he will not perform Michael at Regionals. Now, Sebastian looks at him, the message clear in his emerald eyes.</em>
</p><p>Don’t<em>.</em></p><p>
  <em>But Blaine is stubborn, and he won’t back down. When the meeting concludes, the Warblers have only one Captain, and Blaine is utterly defeated. The next weeks are a haze. He tries to talk to Kurt, to explain everything, how this is not his fault, that he tried to stop it. Kurt doesn’t listen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Regionals is a blood bath. Blaine sits in the audience, watching the inevitable. The Warblers switch Man in The Mirror for a cello-accompanied version of Smooth Criminal, Sebastian leading them through all three songs and a choreography even stronger than what they’d practice so far. New Directions try, but even with Rachel’s voice they don’t stand a chance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tries to catch Kurt after the performance, praying that his stand against Sebastian will count for something. But he barely gets a word in before Kurt is yelling at him – how stressful his senior year is, how Blaine didn’t even care enough to fight to be with him, how nothing works out from Westside story over the election, and now even glee club was ruined. How he has no chance at NYADA now, and it’s all Blaine’s fault. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then it’s over. It’s all over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kurt walks away from him, done with their relationship. The Warblers go on to Nationals with Sebastian as their captain, no second look at their former leader. His legacy already turns into a joke, some rumors going around that they’re better off without him anyway. He runs into Sebastian by accident – or maybe not quite as accidental – a few days later on the way to history.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Pretty dumb choice of a hill to die on, Anderson.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Go to hell.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian sighs, rolling his eyes. “Stop being dramatic. We deserved to win, and you know it. Do you think your girlfriend wouldn’t have dumped you if we beat them with a different setlist?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There are so many reasons Blaine won’t dignify this with an answer, but one of them is that he does have a point.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Will you drop your martyr act?” Sebastian asks. “Just come back and let’s win Nationals. We’d be so much better with you.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But he can’t go back. Not after the Warblers turned their backs at him. Not when they proved to him that all the things he believed in – honor, camaraderie – meant nothing when compared to the chance of winning. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He walks away from Sebastian and his offer, trying not to choke on the bitter taste in his mouth. At least a year later, when Hunter Clarington shows up and takes control over the Warblers, and Sebastian comes to him, asking for help, Blaine gets to laugh in his stupid face…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The bitterness surprises Blaine. Is this really what he thinks could have been? Darkness, and betrayal, and loneliness? Like this is all that he can be, that he can achieve?</p><p>Then again, his achievements so far really aren’t this great. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t be standing alone on a balcony at his friends’ party, wondering why he still feels like a high school student.</p><p>The remnants of the sparkler in his hand are cold and honestly, kind of sad, just like the could-have-been he imagined. With hesitation, he puts it aside, taking another sparkler, and the lighter…</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>(Sometimes, he thinks it should have been Sebastian. Instead of a nameless stranger, he should have gone to Dalton, found Sebastian, and then…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, the consequences would have been… he doesn’t even know. It would have changed everything. This, Kurt would never have forgiven, and maybe that would have been a good thing. Maybe just being with someone, who despite everything truly cared about him, would have been enough to ground him when he felt like a balloon cut loose and abandoned to the winds.<br/>
He can’t even begin to think what would have followed if it been Sebastian. He doesn’t want to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes, he thinks it should have been Sebastian. Not because of the consequences. But he wishes. Only sometimes.)</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Blaine shakes his head, actively blocking a too familiar line of thoughts, as another sparkler comes to life, and in the brightness, he sees.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hunter’s offer is too good to pass. Maybe things would have been different if he returned to Dalton at the beginning of the year. Maybe he was wrong to ever leave. But whatever bonds he had holding him to McKinley, they’re broken. There’s nothing here for him, and he yearns for home. When he asks his parents to let him go back, they share a look, as if they knew this was coming. To his relief, they don’t argue. They don’t pry. It’s a good thing. It makes things easier.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Blaine has to learn another hard lesson. You can’t turn back time. You can’t unwind the clock.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You can’t go home again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Dalton has changed. Maybe it’s because he’s borderline depressed, but the strict schedules and high demands seem harsh and exhausting. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Warblers have changed. Blaine loved everything about being a Warbler, and a big point of it was the slight ridiculousness in their formality, the council, the gavel… but under Hunter’s lead, they’re as rigid as the rumors make Vocal Adrenaline sound.</em>
</p><p><em>Sebastian has changed, too. His subdued attitude, his subservience to Hunter, even his </em>hair<em>… it’s all wrong, and Blaine doesn’t know how to reach him, how to talk to him, how to get back this larger-than-life, brilliant flirt who helped bring a splash of color into his junior year. </em></p><p>
  <em>He isn’t even sure why he wanted to return in the first place. He was miserable at McKinley, but now he’s just as miserable at Dalton. Maybe the problem is him. Kurt took happiness with him to New York, and Blaine gave everything he had, and now he’s just… empty.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s not much joy in performing with the Warblers. With Hunter at the helm, everything is a drill. Blaine tries to give his best performance, feels that he owes it to a group who’s gone to such lengths to win him back. He isn’t quite sure why they bothered. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Their Sectionals setlist doesn’t exactly sweep him off his feet, but it’s fine. Hunter is actually able to pull off a charismatic performance. For their second song, he tries to give Sebastian’s solo to Blaine, which he’s not really comfortable with. The group eventually votes for a duet, and he spends most of his free time in the next weeks in one-on-one rehearsals with Sebastian. Hunter is usually there, so they don’t get the opportunity to talk. It feels as if their song builds a connection between them, but Blaine can’t be sure.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except when he’s tired and stumbles at their dance moves and Sebastian is there, catching him and holding him until his feet connect to the ground again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except when he dozes off during Warbler practice and finds his head resting on Sebastian’s shoulder. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except when he struggles through Dalton’s more rigid curriculum and despairs over history, only to find a bunch of notes in a too familiar handwriting on his desk.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except when their eyes meet during rehearsal, and somewhere beneath it all Blaine feels that they’re both broken, and he wants to fix Sebastian, if only it feels easier than fixing himself. He wishes he could go back, to when they talked easily, and he opened up to the other boy. He knows he was happy back then. At least for a while. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But things have changed, and he can’t go back. It becomes painfully clear after Sectionals. They win easily once the New Directions get themselves disqualified – a whole other mess that Blaine doesn’t know how to feel about. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After Sectionals, Hunter rises to a completely new level. Nothing is good enough. They’re choreography isn’t acrobatic enough. They need more of a show. They spend a few practices with Hunter nitpicking and yelling about every single thing. Blaine knows this is going somewhere, he can see in Sebastian’s eyes that he knows as well. But he doesn’t know how to prepare. He doesn’t feel like he has any allies anymore. He wonders what Hunter did to Sebastian, for him to be this compliant. He hates it, wants it to stop.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then, Hunter drops his bombshell. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Steroids.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s cheating so blatant that Blaine can’t even find the words to tell Hunter to go to hell. It’s impossible to think that the Warblers would ever go for it. But looking around, there are too many people going along with it, if only out of fear for what Hunter might do to them. A few even seem intrigued. Sebastian is looking to the ground, an expression of disgust on his face. And Blaine…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wastes his time trying to talk the others into opposing Hunter. Somehow, he’s got everyone under his thumb, everyone seems scared of him. He even tries to corner Sebastian, begs him to do what’s right.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian stares at him, and he looks as lost as Blaine feels, but he walks away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Trent gets kicked out of the Warblers for refusing the injections. He’s taking a stand, and Blaine isn’t sure whether he should follow him. He can see Hunter’s message very clearly in his pointed looks – you’re next, Anderson – and he isn’t sure how to react. But he knows that this is wrong, and he refuses to let the Warblers’ name be connected to a steroid scandal. He knows he probably doesn’t have the team behind him, knows that standing up to Hunter is very likely to not get him anywhere but kicked out. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, at their next session, when Hunter talks about the steroids, he gets to his feet, and he refuses.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He can see the other Warblers watching the showdown, not sure what to expect. Blaine understands, he doesn’t quite understand it himself. But he looks straight into Hunter’s eyes and he tells him no. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>For once, he feels like himself again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hunter is furious, yells at him to the point that Blaine is almost scared. But this is about a principle, and if standing up for what’s right means getting clocked by Clarington, he thinks he can live with this. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Either way, he’s going to find out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hunter is rushing at him, and Blaine steps back, raises his fists in a defensive stance – only to see Hunter tripping, and falling, right onto his annoying face in front of his feet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“That’s far enough.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s Sebastian. Hunter looks up incredulously at the guy who just tripped him, and then he starts yelling. He calls Sebastian every name in the book, something about ruining his life, and a tape. Sebastian almost falters for a moment, but then looks from Hunter to Blaine. For a moment, their eyes meet, a silent question in Sebastian’s eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine nods, and Sebastian is almost smiling, before he turns back to Hunter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re a disgrace and I don’t know why we’re wasting our time listening to you. This isn’t happening, so just go to hell.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hunter gets back to his feet and looks about ready to go after Sebastian. But before he can move, Nick and Jeff are taking his arms, and other Warblers join them, everyone holding back Hunter until he’s out of breath. Sebastian steps to Blaine’s side, almost touching. At this moment, he knows they’ve won.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The headmaster gets tipped off about the steroid scandal, and Hunter disappears. Whatever revenge he swore, it never comes, which Sebastian admits makes him feel a bit stupid. But they don’t have time to think about it. They’re way too busy getting the Warblers into shape. Between rehearsals, writing arrangements, and the much more rigorous academic level at Dalton, Blaine has no time to think. There’s also no time to feel sorry for himself, or to wallow in guilt. He has a goal, and he has people depending on him. At some point he realizes it’s been a week that Kurt hasn’t even entered his thoughts, and as guilty as he still feels, he’s glad for it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The Warblers win Regionals in a landslide, and finally, Blaine feels worthy again – he knows he made a horrible mistake, and he paid for it, but it doesn’t define him. It’s time to let the past be and move on with his life. He smiles, surrounded by his friends, and his eyes find Sebastian’s. He’s happy. He’s proud. He can breathe again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After the show, Blaine stays back for a moment, watching his teammates file out one-by-one. There are hugs, and fist-bumps, a familiarity he’s missed more than he can say. But he stays, and waits, until Sebastian comes at the end of the group. Their eyes meet, and Blaine feels his throat go dry.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian kisses Blaine in a hallway at Regionals, and it feels like a new start for both of them. Their friends are happy for them, although that only lasts until they start preparations for Nationals. Then everybody hates them again. Well, not really. There’s an ambitious buzz going around, and everyone is willing to give everything. Blaine realizes that their chances to win are slim, but he’s going to do his best and push the Warblers as far as they can go. At a late-night strategy session, Sebastian admits he’s impressed with this competitive side, and what is Blaine to do except push him into the mattress and show him just how competitive he can get?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They don’t really talk about what they are. Labels make Sebastian uncomfortable and Blaine doesn’t quite trust them anymore. They’re boyfriends, really, even if they don’t name it. Once, he asks Sebastian. If they’re exclusive, if there’s anyone else. Sebastian looks at him as if he’s insane, tells him he won’t waste his time looking for some stranger who couldn’t compare to him anyway. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s worlds from what he imagined his senior year to be at the start. But Blaine is happy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They manage third place at Nationals, as far as Blaine can tell the best place the Warblers ever had. Sebastian rolls his eyes at his enthusiasm, but he too seems happy. He’s definitely in for the celebration, and later, in his now single room, for another kind of celebration. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Blaine wakes up the next morning, Sebastian’s arm slung over him, holding him close, skin-on-skin, he feels this is as good as it gets.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Finals come and go, graduation looms, and after the summer, a new life will start. Blaine will go to New York, Sebastian return to Paris. It’ll be goodbye, but somehow, it will be okay. As much as it hurts, it’s a clean cut, and they part on good terms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s a good story.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It’s not good enough. It’s close, yes… but still, Blaine finds himself reaching for another sparkler.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is the moment he’s been waiting for. Really, from the moment he heard Blackbird, maybe even the moment a lost boy took his hand in a Dalton corridor, right here at the spot he’s standing in, this is what it has been leading up to. And here they are, the exact point they met. Three different show choirs are here, singing, former rivals, friends, family, and all of them are waiting for the culmination, as Blaine looks up to his soulmate, holding his breath for the answer that will change his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then, Kurt says no.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He’s close to tears, almost falling apart in apologies. But he says no.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine feels an abyss opening up inside him, but he can’t let anyone see, least of all Kurt. The show must go on, after all. So, he summons a show face, he reassures Kurt that of course this is okay, apologizes for putting him on the spot like this. He turns to the crowds, smiles sheepishly and thanks them for their help, how despite everything this shows the amazing things they can manage when working together, or something equally trite. Somehow, he doesn’t drop dead in embarrassment, and as people file out, most people don’t give him pitying looks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Burt Hummel does, and okay, Blaine deserves that one. He can’t say he hasn’t been warned. Kurt walks out with his father and Rachel following closely. Blaine once more thanks the people still there, before he excuses himself and finds an empty classroom. Once the door closes behind him, he allows himself to freak out. He leans against a wall, slowly sliding down until he sits on the floor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What has he done? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Well, he’s ruined everything. Again. It’s ridiculous. He’s spent the last few months doing everything he could to get Kurt first to talk to him again, and then to win back his love. And now, that he finally got Kurt to give him another chance as a boyfriend, he ruins it with a public, failed proposal.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What has he been thinking? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sure, if Kurt said yes, this would look completely different. But this?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hasn’t felt this stupid in a really long time.</em>
</p><p><em>Regret beats inside him, hot and sharp, accompanied by a very acute sense of embarrassment. This has to be the most humiliating thing he’s ever done. The Gap Attack is </em>nothing<em> in comparison.</em></p><p>
  <em>Maybe he can make a deal with the principal to let him hide away in this classroom forever. He might die here and haunt it forever. It sounds a lot better than ever facing literally anyone ever again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The door opens slightly, and Blaine can hear footsteps as someone walks in. He assumes Sam has found him and will try to drag him back into life. He isn’t sure he’s ready for this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So… not quite how you saw this going, hm?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine turns at the sound. It’s Sebastian. Somehow, it’s not surprising.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Pretty much the opposite,” he says. He sighs, shaking his head. “I guess we can’t pretend this never happened?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian shrugs. “It’s not like YouTube trends hold for more than a few days,” he says.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You think someone will upload this on YouTube?” Blaine asks, although he thinks he doesn’t really want to know.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Sure. Someone. Can’t imagine who, tough.” Sebastian grins, winks at him, and Blaine finds himself laughing in spite of himself.</em>
</p><p><em>“It’s okay,” he says, looking up at Sebastian. “You can say it. </em>I told you so<em>.”</em></p><p><em>Sebastian steps beside him, shaking his head as he sinks down to sit beside him. “I absolutely did not tell you so,” he says. “And I honestly should get some credit for this, because trust me, killer, that was </em>hard<em>.”</em></p><p>
  <em>Blaine rolls his eyes. It hurts, but he figures with some distance he’ll agree. And cringe. A lot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why didn’t you?” he asks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian looks at him, the hint of a frown on his face. Eventually, he answers. “Maybe I was trying for some positive karma for a change? You seemed pretty sure of yourself, and I guess I just wanted to help for once.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Thanks for that,” Blaine says. “And really, I probably wouldn’t have listened if you’d told me. Kurt’s Dad tried to warn me. Probably should have listened.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Probably,” Sebastian says.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They sit side by side for a while. It’s not uncomfortable, and Blaine is relieved. And hey, he can sit beside another person without sinking into the ground in embarrassment. So maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem. He might be able to show his face again at some point. A few years down the line, he might even be able to laugh about it. The thought even brings a smile to his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It falls when another thought lights up in his mind, and he groans, hiding his face in his hands.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” Sebastian asks, peering down at him.</em>
</p><p><em>Without looking up at him, Blaine asks his question. “Be honest with me. If you and I were dating, and I would pull something like this like a </em>day<em> after we got back together… would you dump me?”</em></p><p>
  <em>Sebastian snorts. “Are you kidding? If you pulled this with me, I’d be halfway to Paris by now, only to get an ocean between us.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine laughs, bitter as this truth is. “I couldn’t really blame you,” he says.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian nudges him with his elbow. “Might not be the worst thing. You do realize the world out there has more men than Princess Hummel, right?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine rolls his eyes. “Of course, I know. It’s just… I love him.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian has the audacity to roll his damn eyes at this. “So you keep saying,” he says. “But you’re not even out of high school. How can you say now already that he’s the one for you? And just how dumb is that concept anyway? The One… like you can only have one person?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Isn’t it romantic?” Blaine asked. “You have your one soulmate, and you know it will work.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Until it doesn’t, and then it’s kind of a lonely thought,” Sebastian says. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s some truth to this, especially now when Blaine feels like he struck out with his soulmate again. Maybe this is part of the problem. As he leans his head against Sebastian’s shoulder, he thinks over his relationship with Kurt. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>All this time and effort, trying to get him back. And once he has it, he drops it immediately. Why, though? Wasn’t it enough to just have him back? Why did he try to hold on so hard, so tightly that he broke it right away? Maybe he thought a ring would make their relationship real, would remind Kurt he exists once he’s back in New York, swept up by another life so much more glamorous than anything Blaine can offer back here?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why is this so hard? When did he become the one always chasing after Kurt, when at first it was the opposite?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then again, it kind of wasn’t. Kurt may have fallen in love so much faster and sooner, but was there really that much chasing? Pining, maybe, that Blaine didn’t notice. And once they got together… </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tries to stop thinking about it. This is really too depressing. He knows that love needs work, but he wonders if it should really be this hard. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So, what are you going to do now?” Sebastian asks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine shrugs. “Hide away in my room for the rest of the week?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian grins, although it somehow doesn’t look malicious. “Sounds like a plan. What about him though?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine sighs. “I guess I have a few hours. He won’t call me until he’s back in New York. And then… I don’t know.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except he does. And Sebastian seems to know as well, judging from the look on his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, if you find yourself in the market for a rebound… you got my number, right?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine rolls his eyes, although it’s fonder than he would admit. “A bit early to plan that, don’t you think?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian smirks. “Keep telling yourself that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine can’t help chuckling. Before he knows, he’s laughing. In the end, this is just such an absurd situation. And maybe there’s just a hint of hysteria in there, but Sebastian is chuckling, too, and strange as it is, he can see a silver lining. This is going to go down in his personal history as one of the worst embarrassments, and really, he has only himself to blame, but right now, it doesn’t feel like the world is ending anymore. He can live with this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, in the evening, he’s prepared. Kurt calls him on skype, his slightly red eyes the only sign that he’s been crying. He’s soft, and vulnerable, in a way he hasn’t shown in a very long time. There’s a sharp ache running through Blaine when he’s reminded just what he’s lost. Maybe it’s better, though. He’s starting to understand that he’s become obsessed. This might just give him the chance to start fresh, remove himself from a connection that has become hurtful. And sure, he’s technically been single for months, but he hasn’t been free, still hopelessly devoted to what has been. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He realizes that he’s zoned out and Kurt is still talking, but he’s kind of gotten the gist of it. Kurt is sorry, unbelievably sorry, but he can’t do this. He thought he could try again, but he sees now that Blaine is so much more invested in this than he is, and it’s not fair to either of them, and… he just can’t.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The thing is, Blaine doesn’t feel obsessed anymore. He isn’t sure what woke him up, but this feels okay. Still, there’s no point telling Kurt. No, this is the best way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, he nods, and smiles, and while he’s sad, it’s genuine. He tells Kurt he understands, that there are no hard feelings, that he wishes him well. And maybe, when he moves to New York for college, they can kind of build a friendship again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He thinks this might be the most polite break-up ever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, when the call has ended, Blaine lies back in his bed, and allows himself to cry.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian texts him, asking how it went. He leaves the message on read. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The week progresses, and everyone at glee club treats him with kid gloves, as if they aren’t sure how stable he is. It’s sweet, but he gets tired of it pretty quickly. He’s not some glass figurine. He won’t shatter this easily. At the end of the week, he’s just tired of it. He needs distraction. Something fun. A reminder that he’s young, that he has his whole life in front of him, and that this isn’t the end of the world. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He texts Sebastian, and an hour later, they have plans to meet at Scandals. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine’s a bit nervous, not sure whether the fake ID will still be accepted, but he gets in with no trouble. Sebastian is once again waiting for him at the bar, drinks in front of him. When he looks at Blaine, there’s no pity in his eyes. He actually looks happy to see him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They drink, they dance, they have fun. Blaine is glad to let loose, to find an outlet for all the pent-up energy inside him. It’s a relief to have someone just act normal around him. Sebastian’s grins as they’re drinking are infectious. When they dance, they move so close that Blaine can feel the heat of his body. His arms are closing around him, as their bodies move. It lights something up inside Blaine that he forgot about. Sebastian turns him around, pulls his back flush against his chest, as they’re grinding together on the dance floor. Blaine stops thinking, just lets his body move. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian kisses Blaine in the middle of the dance floor at Scandals. It doesn’t remain one kiss. They don’t last much longer, opting to get an Uber and go back to Blaine’s place. They race upstairs, tumble onto his bed, and then Blaine lets himself fall, hoping Sebastian will catch him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the morning, he’s glad to find Sebastian still there, all smooth, freckled skin and long, bare limbs. Blaine isn’t surprised that he still wants him, even though he’s sober now. He knows he’s not anywhere near ready to get into a new relationship, if whatever is between him and Sebastian is even enough for that, or for that part, if Sebastian would ever consider being anyone’s boyfriend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But he wants him. In what capacity… well, that’s not a question he needs to answer right now, is it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After that night, they keep seeing each other. There are parties, nights at Scandals, and sometimes they meet just like that. The sex is spectacular, to the point that it feels to Blaine like he’s learning everything again from scratch. And apart from that, they talk, their friendship returning to what it was back in junior year before the whole Michael debacle. If Blaine has to put a label on this, friends with benefits is probably not the worst fit. And maybe, he’s a little bit in love. And maybe – just maybe – it’s not just him. There’s just something in Sebastian’s eyes when he looks at Blaine, something sweet, and happy, and something gentle in his touches. It’s unspoken, but it’s enough. It’s definitely something he will remember at dorms of whatever college he’ll go to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Most of his application went to New York, although he let his brother push him into sending one to UCLA. Still, he wants to go to New York. His NYADA audition goes extremely well, even as it’s very awkward to spend two nights on Rachel and Kurt’s couch to do his interviews. Their offer came as a surprise, and every minute at the loft, he can feel Kurt’s eyes on him, hesitating, uncertain. It’s uncomfortable, but Blaine is barely affected.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nationals bring him to Los Angeles, much to his brother’s joy who immediately declares himself a tour guide. To his complete shock, Blaine falls in love. It’s strange, how for so long he saw New York as his future, that he didn’t even consider an alternative. Until he came to Los Angeles. Suddenly, he understands his brother a whole lot better.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a moment of downtime, Cooper even takes him to his current movie set. He’s not quite surprised when Cooper coerces him into helping him with practicing his line reading, but it’s really not much of a hassle. And then, things happen very fast. Somehow, the director hears their line reading, the same day as the supporting actor whose lines Blaine was reading throws a temper tantrum destroying equipment. Before Blaine really understands what’s happening, he’s offered the role. He accepts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They place second at Nationals, and Blaine is thrilled. It might not be good enough for Sue Sylvester, but it’s an amazing result. He calls Sebastian, telling him about everything – the competition, the movie role, and how maybe Los Angeles is where he might belong. A few days later, he gets his college letters, and it’s official. He’ll study at UCLA.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian is surprised, and not as happy as Blaine would have expected, but he forgets about it quickly once they fall back into bed. Besides, they both get busy with graduation, keeping them busy. Still, something has changed, and Sebastian seems a bit cooler. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Graduation comes, and the glee club alumni return to say goodbye to the New Directions, disbanded by Sue for completely ridiculous reasons. Kurt approaches him, offering to work things out now that they’ll both go to the same school. Blaine almost feels a bit sorry when he tells him that not only is he not going to attend NYADA but is going to move to Los Angeles instead. Kurt actually looks upset, which surprises Blaine. But it doesn’t change anything. In the end, their road has just come to an end.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to move to Los Angeles right after graduation to film his scenes. The New Directions have a last bash, which Blaine leaves a bit early, opting to spend one last night with Sebastian. It’s hot, passionate in a desperate way, and Blaine tries to let his body say all the things he can’t put into words. They fall asleep in each other’s arms. In the morning, Blaine has to leave early to get his plane. He wakes Sebastian long enough for a kiss goodbye, before he gathers his clothes and gets dressed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before he leaves, his eyes fall to an envelope on Sebastian’s desk. It bears the crest of Columbia. With shaking hands, he takes the letter. It’s an acceptance letter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He puts it down, and looks back at Sebastian, who’s fallen asleep again. It’s not what he expected. Sebastian always spoke about returning to Paris after high school. And still, he applied to a school in New York. Where Blaine planned to be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His minds are racing as he drives back to his parents’. He didn’t know there was a chance for Sebastian and him moving to the same place. He wonders if knowing it would have changed anything.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He’ll never know.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The sparkler falls from his hand to the balcony. Not like this. He doesn’t want to cause any pain, either. And isn’t it sad that he can’t even imagine things ending well if he makes everything up in his head?</p><p>He must be able to get it right, somehow.</p><p>His hand is shaking as he reaches out, for another sparkler. He forces himself to look straight into the lights, as he lets his mind wander again.</p><p> </p><p> <em>Everything has shattered right under his hands. It feels like just yesterday, he was planning his wedding, down to every single detail. To make it perfect. To get everything right. That was what Kurt deserved, what they both deserved.</em></p><p>
  <em>Now, he’s single, he’s cut from NYADA, he has no place to stay. Nothing’s left. Sometimes, he’s not sure how he makes it out of bed in the morning. On some days, he doesn’t.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His parents are worried, but he doesn’t know what to say to them. He wishes he could just take away the last few years of his life. Sometimes, he wishes he never even met Kurt. On other days, he just wants him back. He doesn’t know.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe he needs to get out of New York. Everything here reminds him of his ex. But how would that be different back home? Kurt has seeped into every part of his life, it will be impossible to ever remove him completely. Blaine doesn’t think he will ever get over this pain.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s Cooper who finally manages to get him out of his rut. One day, he shows up in front of his door, and drags him back to Los Angeles. It’s warm, and sunny, and nothing here reminds him of Kurt. It’s something pure, and he needs it. Cooper manages to get him through the worst of it, but Blaine still doesn’t feel ready to take on his life again. That’s when his brother explains the deal to him. His family has put together a fund, and they’re giving it to him to go and travel. Blaine hesitates, but in the end agrees that this might be a good thing. And so, after some convincing, he goes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His first stop is London. He throws himself into the culture, visits museums and landmarks, sees shows at the West End. He has fun, but he still feels a bit lost. He tries to ground himself by going to a gay bar, hooks up with some stranger. It makes him feel even emptier. Maybe this trip isn’t the best idea. He stays in England for almost two weeks, visiting other cities, and trying to just let go. It doesn’t quite work.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he arrives in Paris, he’s starting to realize that he needs to change his approach to this trip. And hey, at least for Paris, he kind of knows an expert, someone who can give him tips on must-sees. After a bit of hesitation, he sends a text to Sebastian. It feels weird, seeing as they haven’t spoken since Sebastian helped with his proposal. But reconnecting with an old friend isn’t the worst thing he can do. Besides, he’s just asking what not to miss, and maybe if he has tips on where to get the coffee he so desperately needs after the flight. </em>
</p><p><em>Sebastian texts back surprisingly fast, asking where </em>they<em> are, and what brings </em>them<em> to Paris. Blaine casually slips in that he’s here alone as he gives his location. It takes a bit longer for an answer to come, but then Sebastian sends him the location of a café. </em></p><p>
  <em>It’s not hard to find, and not far from his hostel. Not even twenty minutes later, he stands in front of a classy, kind of cute café. He walks in and looks around to get a feeling for the place. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It takes only a few seconds until he spots Sebastian, sitting in an armchair in a corner, a cup and a small laptop on the table in front of him. Blaine finds himself smiling as he walks closer. He clears his throat as he reaches the table, and Sebastian looks up, smiling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine sits beside him, casting a look on the papers he’s surrounded by. The text on them is in French, and he doesn’t understand enough to get an idea what they’re about, but it looks like he’s studying. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a moment, he feels awkward. Sebastian is here, in his beloved Paris, leading his life, and Blaine comes crashing in, a whole lot of baggage in tow, disturbing him. Certainly, Sebastian has something better to do, less pathetic people to meet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Sebastian looks genuinely happy to see him, his greeting warmer than expected. It is awkward at first, but it doesn’t take long until their conversation reaches the old level of comfort. Blaine deflects questions about what he’s been doing since graduation, instead he starts asking the questions. He learns that Sebastian is studying psychology, sharing an apartment with an economics student called Tiphaine. He hears colorful stories about Sebastian’s family – his older sister, the lawyer; his artist mother, jet setting all over the world; a group of cousins ranging from douchey to insane – and even more insane stories of a side job mixing cocktails at a bar (“excellent practice if I ever do want to be a therapist”). </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The conversation is relaxing, but still Blaine feels a bit of dread of the point when the conversation turns to himself. Maybe Sebastian notices, but he doesn’t dig. All he asks for now is how long Blaine’s staying in Paris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“A week for now, I haven’t made any plans beyond,” Blaine says with a shrug, as if this is something completely normal to do. “Actually, I don’t even have plans for what I’m doing here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian looks at him, something calculating in his gaze, and Blaine feels completely transparent. Then the grin is back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m sure we can find ways to keep you entertained.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s obvious that Sebastian is taking it easy on him, and Blaine is grateful. Once he realizes he won’t have to come out with just what led him here, he starts to warm up himself, talking about his stay in England, and the latest insanities Cooper’s been up to. Sebastian never met his brother, so he only knows him through Blaine’s stories – maybe that’s the reason he’s the only person not immediately impressed with Cooper.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian has to go to a tutoring session, but they make plans to go out for drinks in the evening. They get dinner at some sort of student bar, which is surprisingly good, and then they go barhopping. Apparently, there are too many good bars that he can’t miss. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They end up in a club. The beat of the music pulses through his veins, mixed with the alcohol of possibly too many drinks, and the heat of Sebastian’s body around him, as they dance together, getting closer, drawn together like magnets.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sebastian kisses Blaine in the middle of a Paris night club, and the whole night comes together. Want is burning through him, in a way he hasn’t felt before, not like this, not so primal and all-compassing, and he isn’t even sure if it’s really his own desire that drives him insane, or just the feeling of being wanted. They barely make it out of the club, and back to Sebastian’s apartment, where they fall into bed immediately, and Blaine forgets everything except the feel of skin on skin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next morning, they wake up wrapped around each other, and for the first time in weeks, Blaine feels warm. In the light of morning, he finally talks, tells Sebastian all about his failures. His broken engagement, dropping out of NYADA, disappearing off the map. Even the trip to Europe feels more like running away. But somehow, through talking, a new purpose begins to form. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blaine stays in Paris for three weeks. Sebastian makes for an excellent tour guide, not only where bars are concerned. By his side, Blaine starts to feel like this is the break he needed. He can slow down, he can breathe, and step by step, the chaos in his mind dissolves. And somewhere, distantly, there’s almost happiness. Not quite there yet, but like it’s something he can achieve at some point. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After three weeks, he continues his travels. He goes to Spain, to Italy, Greece… He sends Sebastian pictures from everywhere, and they text back and forth. This time, he won’t let go of their friendship, even when after three months, he returns to the United States and Sebastian stays in Paris. There’s a possibility that he’ll follow his father’s wishes and transfers to Columbia at some point. Always the possibility that they find each other again. The thought is enough to give him the strength to return to New York and start again. And by the time Kurt finds him again, begging for him to come back, he has the strength to tell him no, and mean it, and most importantly stick to it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe he still ends up alone, but it would save him so much pain…</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s nice. It’s better. And still, not quite. He drops the sparkler, then reaches for the box again, taking out another one…</p><p>“I really hope you’re not trying to immolate yourself here.”</p><p>He drops the box as if it burnt him. He gulps, his throat burning as embarrassment spreads through every fiber of his being. Of all the people at this party to find him… of course it’s the one he’s just spent way too much time fantasizing about.</p><p>Sebastian steps beside him, and for a moment, he can feel his eyes on him. But then Sebastian steps forward, looking down from the balcony and into the city life beneath them.</p><p>“Not that I can blame you for hiding from that freak show in there,” he continues speaking. “Or the wonder twins specifically.”</p><p>Blaine snots involuntarily, and finally allows himself to look at Sebastian. For the first time tonight, maybe for the first time in forever.</p><p>He’s looking good. The last few years clearly have been kind to him. His hair has grown out just a bit since high school, and he’s wearing a bit of stubble. He’s filling out his suit better, less lanky. There’s a smile on his face, still playful, still half a smirk, a bit to smug and a bit too self-satisfied. But the quick temper from before isn’t quite so obvious.</p><p>He’s grown up, and somehow that makes Blaine feel even more than a teenager than he did before.</p><p>Sebastian’s expression turns more serious as he musters Blaine, like a puzzle he can’t quite figure out.</p><p>“You know you can do better, right?”</p><p>Blaine frowns, not sure what to say to that. Sebastian thinks he can do better than him? What a strange thing to say out of the blue. It takes him a few moments to realize he’s talking about Kurt. Once he understands, he rolls his eyes.</p><p>“Why does everyone think I’m upset about this?” he asks. “Kurt and I divorced three years ago, I don’t have a problem with him dating.”</p><p>“Good,” Sebastian says. “And honestly, it was obvious for a long time he’ll never do better than you. Although, even I didn’t think he’d have to scrape the barrel this badly.”</p><p>“Wow, you’re being mean,” Blaine says, although he can’t stop himself from smiling. “After all, they met at his super important dessert scholarship.”</p><p>Sebastian rolls his eyes, grinning too. “Surprised Hummel even dares to get near desserts. He seems like the type to count every single calory and run from them.”</p><p>“Not if they’re packed up in a whole cheesecake,” Blaine says with a shrug. He feels a little bad about it, this is definitely meaner than he usually is. But given their history, just a little bit of bitterness should be allowed.</p><p>Sebastian raises an eyebrow, almost impressed. “Didn’t know you had it in you,” he says.</p><p>“Let’s not talk about that,” Blaine says, turning to the skyline.</p><p>Sebastian barks out in laughter, and Blaine finds himself grinning. They stand together, and for a moment, it’s just comfortable silence between them. It reminds Blaine of phone calls a long time ago, of talking about every random thing that came into their minds, interrupted by silences when they couldn’t think of anything to say immediately.</p><p>Sebastian breaks it eventually.</p><p>“So, if it’s not your ex that has you hiding out here, what is it?”</p><p>Blaine sighs, looking down onto the city. “I love my friends,” he says, “but let’s be honest, they can get pretty intense. I think during the last years I managed to build a life outside of my old high school circles. Still, being at this party, with only people I knew from high school – and Brayden, of course – it feels like… I don’t know. Like I haven’t come anywhere since then. And everyone is talking about how far they’ve come, and I just feel like the same. Like I haven’t achieved anything.”</p><p>He can taste the skepticism in the way Sebastian looks at him.</p><p>“You think you haven’t achieved anything?” he asks. “I mean, you did get rid of that millstone around your neck, I’d call that an achievement.”</p><p>“Sure,” Blaine says, rolling his eyes again. “Divorced before 25. That was always my dream. It’s just… listen to Kurt talk about Vogue, or Rachel’s Broadway career, Brittany going on tour with Beyoncé…”</p><p>“Sure, sure,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “You haven’t gotten anywhere with your career. And I probably just imagined you stumbling over my screen, annoying the hell out of Henry Cavill…”</p><p>Blaine’s eyes widen, even as something warm blossoms inside his chest. “You watched that?” he asked. “And here I’d have thought you were above something that nerdy.”</p><p>“Please, it’s basically mainstream,” Sebastian says. “And like I’d miss your first big role. Never forgiving you for that song, though.”</p><p>Blaine chuckles.  “Yeah, it’s kind of catchy.”</p><p>“So… will you tell me what’s up with sparkler-dämmerung over there if I toss a coin at you?”</p><p>The blood rushes into his face. “It’s stupid,” he says. It’s an obvious tactic to buy more time. He knows, if Sebastian wants to, he’ll get any answer out of him. And won’t that be embarrassing? Admitting that he spent the last half hour coming up with incredibly elaborate scenarios of possible futures in which they get together in some way or other?</p><p>But Sebastian is looking at him, patiently, curiously. So, he tries to frame this in a way that doesn’t make him sound like as sad a loser as he feels.</p><p>“I guess I’ve just been thinking about… what-ifs. Or what could have been,” he says. “Have you ever thought that there’s this one decision you made, which turned out to be wrong? And wondered how your life would have gone if you had made a different choice?”</p><p>Sebastian shrugs. “Not really,” he says. “Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely a few things I wish I could take back or do differently. I just never saw the point of getting too deep in the things that could have been.”</p><p>Blaine frowns. “Why not?”</p><p>“I guess if you’re too busy thinking about the opportunities you missed in the past, that’s a whole lot of time you’re going to spend missing opportunities in the present,” he says. “It’s one thing to learn from your mistakes and change things. I just don’t see the point in wallowing in them. I’m much more in favor of <em>carpe diem</em>.”</p><p>It’s not what Blaine expected. Still, it’s a new perspective. Isn’t this exactly what he’s doing? Even now, he’s at a party wondering about the things that could have been, instead of enjoying himself, or maybe even go for what he’s been fantasizing about.</p><p>“Does that work out for you?” he asks. “Seizing the day?”</p><p>Sebastian shrugs. “Sometimes. You should try it.”</p><p>Blaine sighs, avoiding his eyes. “I wouldn’t know where to start,” he admits.</p><p>There’s a moment of silence between them, and then Sebastian steps closer. He puts a hand to Blaine’s cheek, turning his head up until they look right into each other’s eyes.</p><p>“It’s not that hard,” he says. “Just… think. Is there anything you want to do right now?”</p><p>And suddenly, Blaine’s throat feels tight for a completely different reason.</p><p>“Anything?” he asks.</p><p>Sebastian nods, eyes fixed on him, green like a forest, and somewhere in the green there are countless emotions warring, and Blaine…</p><p>Blaine kisses Sebastian, at a silly house party on Santana’s balcony, surrounded by burnt out sparklers.</p><p>As they part, Sebastian grins down at him – still just a bit too happy with himself, but mostly, just… happy. “Of all the things you want to do…”</p><p>“It’s you,” Blaine says, and he doesn’t even care right now what that would do to Sebastian’s ego. “If that’s okay with you?”</p><p>Sebastian laughs. “You made me wait long enough, killer. Like I’m going to turn you away now.”</p><p>He pulls Blaine close, and they’re kissing again. It’s not exactly how he imagined it to be. But it’s reality, so it’s already so much better. He doesn’t know where this will lead, if there’s any way for them to forge a future out of this. It’s okay though. He’s willing to let things unfold on their own turn.</p><p>As they leave the party – under some shocked gazes, and just maybe a few hollers of support, with Sebastian arm around his waist warm, strong, and oh so real, Blaine realizes – this, right here?</p><p>This is his favorite version.</p><p>
  
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